Let’s be real for a second.
This week has had more lows than highs for me and I think I've just realised why.
I went on a stunning hike to the second biggest national park in Spain today. It was organised for Erasmus students so I enjoyed the experience with people from many different countries. On my bus journey home, I started thinking about what I’ll tell my friend about today when we FaceTime later. Do you know what my first thought was? Who did I interact with, did I feel included, and did it take a lot of effort to socialise. I estimate the value of my day based on my interactions with others.
Being in a foreign country where most Erasmus students hang out in groups of people from the same country, I’ve yet to meet anyone from either Scotland or Lithuania. On top of that, add the fact that I’m simply an introvert. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Yet, for some reason, instead of thinking about describing the most beautiful and tiring hike of my life, my feet that got soaked within five minutes, having to stop under some rocks to let the heaviest rain of the day pass- I’m sat here thinking about how my conversations went.
Relationships and friendships are important, but they shouldn’t get in the way of me enjoying an adventure. I should be at peace with myself as a person in a way that allows me to let go of those expectations I’ve put on myself to constantly appear social and ready to interact with whoever and whenever. Because that’s not who I am or have ever been. I’ve always thrived in my own space, my little world while not shutting myself off from the outside.
Before moving to Spain I kept saying that I can’t wait to see what God wants me to learn in this season. I guess one of those things will be to not only learn to truly love myself, but to love life for all it has to offer. To see every blessing for what it is instead of evaluating my performance as a social being at that moment. Knowing that God is always by my side I can’t wait to conquer this season of my life and come out the other end having grown.
Philippians 4:11-13 New Living Translation (NLT)
11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ,[a] who gives me strength.
Hi Abigaile,
ReplyDeleteI've recently discovered that you left Scotland to study in Spain. Although regretfully, I never got to know you in any tangible way; I will miss your presence. More importantly and with all sincerity I wish you all the best and that you find happiness and contentment in your life.
As for the subject of your blog... Introversion is something I've struggled with for various reasons including having high functioning autism. I won't presume to have any of the answers you may seek, but instead share a few of my thoughts on the subject for you to reflect on:
First of all as long as you keep putting yourself out there you will eventually make friends.
Secondly, introversion is something that will always be part of you. Other than inebriation or some mood altering drugs - both of which will be temporary - it is something that you will carry with you. It is frustrating but something you have to accept about yourself. But you may have noticed that when you are happy and content you find it easier to open up.
When I was a student a professor of psychology told me that routine, diet, exercise and a clean living environment were important factors in keeping your mood up. She also noted that introverts like familiarity and/or security and it's absence can create negative emotions which can create a feedback loop in which you become anxious about being anxious!
People are weird. There is not a normal person under the sun. They are full of quirks and oddities all hidden beneath a thin veneer of normality. The more you get to know people the stranger, funnier, remarkable and more interesting they become. Some of the most remarkable will hide in plain sight and others announce themselves to the world. Do not fret over being socially awkward. You are being who you meant to be.
Finally... The most difficult thing to accept and I'm not sure if I should say it... Being the Christian that you are I could say that eating of the apple from the tree of knowledge gifted us with self-conscious but cursed us with loneliness that consciousness brings.
There will be times that words will fail you or that music, words and art will fall short of what you want to convey to people. You will say "hello" in an ugly flat voice that is bereft of all emotions when you really want to say "talk to me! I feel so alone and feel this knot of emotions in the pit of my stomach and I want you to understand me". But they will say will just smile and nod back and you and they will forever be ignorant of each others internal turmoil. It is the most normal thing in the world and you will be blessed if you could touch one or two people if only for the briefest of moments.
I hope that I at least given you something to think about and that you have fun and find love, friendship and happiness in Spain and in life.
Thank you for your comment!
ReplyDeleteI've definitely been working on discovering what actions may improve my moods on the gloomier days. Thank you for your kind wishes.