Before you start, I wrote this a couple of months ago and waited for it to be published on Well of Wellbeing first before sharing it here.
******************************************************************************
******************************************************************************
You’re probably sick of hearing/ reading this but we really are living in a time like no other. Many people are experiencing higher levels of anxiety, feeling isolated and alone. It’s important to find something that gives you hope. My personal source of hope and peace has never changed, and His name is Jesus.
I’m not going to lie and say I’ve been at peace all through this season. I was at a very weird place emotionally and mentally when it all began. I was on my compulsory year abroad in Spain as part of my degree at Strathclyde University. It was already a challenging experience of having to adapt to a new environment, new culture, and new routine. The pandemic then added another layer of stress to my life there. It was a surreal experience to be going through something that none of my friends were experiencing yet. I felt isolated when no one reacted to me talking about it, some didn’t even want to hear about it.
On top of living in a country where everything started way earlier than it did in the UK, I was also sharing a flat with a girl from Wuhan. Yes, the place where the pandemic started. I was getting daily updates about how it was evolving there, the lockdown, how it was affecting young, healthy people; which UK residents seemed to have realised a couple of weeks ago.
Although I experienced higher levels of anxiety during my last week of Spain than I probably ever have in my life, I am now at peace. I am not prone to anxiety in general, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that some people are. It is also important to point out that it’s ok to be a Christian and to have mental health struggles. Our God is a healer and no struggle is too big to overcome, but as they say, it’s ok to know Jesus and have a therapist.
I am no mental health expert, but I can say that going to counselling in late 2018 was an eye-opening experience. I realised how much my mental state could change if I took control of my own thoughts. Romans 12:2 says, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” I knew that it was time to dig deep, find the core beliefs I had about myself that weren’t right, and allow God to renew my mind. Whenever I find myself falling back to my old thinking patterns, I remind myself of that verse.
Whatever we face in life, having Scripture to turn to can be life-giving. In this season, whenever I feel overwhelmed by the news or the statistics online, I go back to read Psalm 91. It talks about God’s protection over people who believe him. Protection from illnesses, pandemics, and any calamity. A week after coming back to the UK from Spain I became ill. As my fever rose and I could barely walk to the bathroom, not once did I feel scared for myself. I know that God will never leave me nor forsake me. It was probably the most rapidly changing illness I’ve ever experienced, with a high fever lasting only a day, and a stuffy nose only lasting two days (I think we all know those usually take a week to pass, no matter what you do). I have peace in my life because I have Jesus.
This is a season to grow in your faith, to get closer to your friends, as most of us now have more time to catch up and talk. If you are struggling – there are lots of people who’d love to talk to you. We are all coping with this differently and it’s ok to need to talk to someone. And if you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed, there is peace and reassurance in God’s word. What verse or passage do you turn to?
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
ReplyDeleteFor those of us who have fallen into deep, deep despair there are no words of comfort, no blessings, no encounter with the divine. Just the deepest and blackest of despair. You truly have never lost everything. I have come close to that state. I lost my parents, my brothers, my home, my job and never had any meaningful friendship to fall back on.
It is then that the scales fall from your eyes and you take in the twisted horror that is life.
"Be grateful for what you have!"
I had nothing but ashes.
"You still have a future!"
All I loved and cherished was dead. I want nothing, not even this broken husk of a life. Let me be, let me die and let me rest.
And so I put a rope around my neck and jumped of the chair. I felt it tighten. Then I hit the ground, twisting my ankle in the process.
I cursed and I swore, clutching my leg in pain. Then I laughed at the absurdity of it all. How can I be so distressed over a twisted ankle?
I still wanted to die. Should I jump instead? No, not that. I've seen what happens to a body that has fell from a height. No. Too violent, to bloody. I had nightmares for weeks after witnessing that.
I had my fathers medication. Even now, years later, I can still hear his labored breathing. His death rattle. Even surrounded by family he was alone in his suffering. They all prayed by his death bed, flinching every time he gasped. How fragile the pretense of faith can be. He deserved better.
I still had the morphine the doctor prescribed him left over. I took it and slept. Looks like it wasn't enough to finish me. I awoke and emptied my stomach and slept. Nobody called, nobody checked. I was alone. I am still alone. There was no revelation. No hope for a brighter future, no gratitude for being alive. I just kept going. Part of me still regrets not dying that day.
Now I've lived long enough to watch the world fall into madness. But I don't feel involved in it. I am an outsider looking in. I feel nothing for what is happening. Most of it feels like a sham anyway. A pandemic that wasn't quiet what it seemed. A political movement with no real direction or leadership. A president full of hot air and a world more interested in looks than substance.
What a time to be alive... keep scrolling the news feed. Hit that like button. Don't forget to subscribe and share. Keep on scrolling.
"However ludicrous, however frustrating, however inexpedient loving the neighbor may seem in the world, it is still the highest a person is capable of doing." - "Works of Love" by Soren Kierkegaard.
DeleteTo be able to see the joy of life, no matter what happens, is to keep loving all the small/big things God has given you in your life. When all things fail, there is still nearby passerby you can make friends with, a task you can fulfill for another's well being. There is always more to life than just the claims of family, friends or a proper "happy" life. The joy is to have a fulfilling life that you can find meaningful.
"But this "You shall sorrow" is both true and beautiful. I do not have the right to become insensitive to life's pain, because I shall sorrow; but neither do I have the right to despair, because I shall sorrow; and neither do I have the right to stop sorrowing, because I shall sorrow. So it is with love. You do not have the right to become insensitive to this feeling, because you shall love; but neither do you have the right to love despairingly, because you shall love; and just as little do you have the right to warp this feeling in you, because you shall love. You shall preserve love, and you shall preserve yourself and by and in preserving yourself preserve love." - "Works of Love" by Soren Kierkegaard.
I hope you may find what you need : )
Also you seem to be a very good writer, that was a nice piece of art in itself : )
DeleteThat is very kind of you, Eivarain. I believe that Solzhenitsyn said that art is the only substitute for an experience we have never lived through. To express ourselves - even if not fully, we have to express it through art and beauty. Even if it's on a dark theme such as Goya's painting of Saturn Devouring his Son or Stanley Kubrick's The Shining - you'll beauty there, in these dark places. This is why I believe they resonate with people. It is no accident that churches are filled with beauty. The architecture of it's building, the sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows and the music. In the past cathedrals were places for ordinary people to feel the presence of the divine, it was literally meant to transport you to another world. Anyway, even a misanthrope like me enjoys beauty.
DeleteFinding beauty in things and people (as well God to me personally) is a good starting point to finding some joy of life despite of all happenings that might be not so pleasant at all.
DeleteThank you for sharing of your hardships and a keen sense for beauty : )
Thank you all who have commented! I definitely never claimed to have gone through huge loss or any dramatic moments in my life. The goal of this post was to say that it's okay to ask for help, and that my main source of hope has always been Jesus.
Delete