Re-learning How to Love

 I recently heard a saying that no person loves the same way twice. It took me a moment to understand what that even meant. Then I realised how true it has been in my own life.

I'd like to think that some people could relate to how I fell in love the first time. I see falling in love as a lake, with a bridge in the middle of it that allows you to jump off and dive deep. That is what I did the first time around. I ran off that bridge and jumped. I jumped so quickly that all the warnings about the person I was falling for came too late. I was already deep underwater, unable to hear any of it. I ran with my eyes focused on the end goal, completely ignoring how muddy the water was, ignoring signs saying 'approach with caution'. I didn't care about any of it. I just wanted to be chosen, to be loved, no matter the cost. And unless you're new here, you'll know that it cost me a lot.

Re-learning How to Love

After a few months in counselling and uncovering just why I had been so desperate for validation, I finally felt ready to date again. I had listened to numerous podcasts about dating, watched TikTok videos by therapists who've seen many broken hearts. I was ready to walk towards that lake again, but this time slowly. So slowly, that I started to worry if I'd ever reach the water itself. I kept looking for warning signs, listening to everyone around me and what they had to say about the man I was dating. It almost felt unnatural how everyone only had positive things to say. As hard as I tried to find red flags - there were none. Yet I kept repeating what I'd heard in those podcasts and videos - this is fun, but you still don't know him. It got to the point where my friends were more excited for me than I was. Sure, I was thrilled to have found a decent man. Not just decent, but one that surpassed my hopes and expectations. Yet I couldn't allow myself to feel. It felt too frightening. 

It was fascinating when my current boyfriend asked me how I knew I was in love the last time. My response was - I was ready to do anything for the person and couldn't imagine my life without him. This may sound romantic at first glance, but I'm glad he picked up on the word 'anything'. I absolutely believe that relationships require sacrifice. Just not to the point of losing oneself completely.

Now, five months in, I can finally say I have reached the water. And it's beautiful and calm. It feels safe. I am respected, valued and cared for. I can finally daydream about where this water will take me.

I'm so glad that I've learned how to love someone in a healthy way, one that doesn't damage me in the process. And to have that reciprocated - I thank God for that every day.

Above all else, guard your heart,
    for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23