Struggling to Stay Motivated

I'll be honest, I've been struggling to stay motivated. Before coming to Spain I was told by multiple people that this is a time in life I should use to really explore my gifts. A time when I don't have to work, I don't need to pass any of the classes I am taking. A time I may never have in my life again, as it will only continue to get busier and busier.

Yet it's been seven weeks and I've hardly done any creative writing. I've been saying that the dream is to write books for a few years now, but I've done very little that could be considered pursuit of that dream. To be honest, aside from all these blog posts, today is the first day I've attempted any sort of creative writing. I wrote two short paragraphs and gave up, having no clue where it was going until it didn't go anywhere at all.

I keep seeing all these motivational videos that say lazy people can't achieve anything. How it's necessary to have a vision, pray for it, and then work for it. I couldn't possibly argue with any of it. I've also always thought that I want to leave a mark in this world. Why is it so much easier to go with the flow, and work at a random place that has nothing to do with my calling than it is to put in the work and see it pay off? You may think I need a personal pep talk, but I had one yesterday, it lasted about an hour. I was encouraged and inspired, ready to give this a go. And here I am, back to square one of doubting myself and my abilities. I've heard that writers are their own worst critics. I think that could be said about a lot of professions and people, especially those that identify as perfectionists like me.

I feel like if over these 9-12 months I don't come up with something that could go towards my dissertation in creative writing- I have wasted this year. I also keep looking for excuses as to why I have done no writing up to this point: I've been in a bad mood, too upset, too much self-pity, self-doubt.. and the list goes on and on.

I will continue to try, today is step one of this rediscovery of why I enjoy writing and why I like to think I could do it for a living. Here's hoping the next steps will be easier to take, less disheartening, and will slowly increase the motivation to keep going until something good comes out of this.

Psalm 37:4 New Living Translation (NLT)

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Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.