I Choose Joy

With the beginning of a new year and a new decade, I knew it was time to change some things. One that needed changing most- was my attitude.

Since around September 2019, I've gone from looking forward to new experiences, to doubting if I'll enjoy them, to completely hating everything and being miserable 97% of the time. The last few months of 2019 were some of the most emotionally challenging months of my life. It got to the point where I didn't feel like getting out of bed, not even to eat. That resulted in weight loss, which then led to hating my reflection in the mirror. So, when I went to Glasgow for the holidays, started recharging, spending quality time with my loved ones, and eating more to gain the weight back, I knew that when the time came to go back to Spain, I couldn't go back with the same mentality.

Right before Christmas, a friend of mine gifted me a beautiful journal. So beautiful I didn't know what to write in it without ruining it. Then I realized- it was the perfect item to help me change my thinking. I called it my 'Journal of joy and gratitude'. Every day since coming back to Spain, I write something I am grateful for that day. It can be as simple as my favorite snack being on sale, or as major as having people who love me unconditionally in my life who keep supporting me, cheering me on, and checking up on me. I've been told many times that I should be the one controlling my thoughts, instead of allowing my thoughts to control me. I've been told that happiness is a choice. So I am making a choice to see beauty in every day and I do believe there is a lot of it. I need to give up self-pity, focusing on the negative, and instead, be more excited about what is and is yet to come.

I've always said I'd love to live in a different country for a while because then I'd get to experience the culture the way I couldn't by just going on a holiday. So today I started thinking about why I'm not appreciating this opportunity as much as I should. My conclusion n- the culture of this country isn't what I thought it would be. In many ways, it reminds me of Lithuania, a country I was born and raised in, which is very surprising not only to me but to anyone I've mentioned this to. I know I haven't immersed myself into the culture as fully as I could've, but I hope that's still to happen. I also don't mean to say I dislike the culture. I think it's just a bit of a shock that it's not what I had prepared myself for.

In 2020 I'm refusing to give in to old habits. And you know what they say - old habits die hard. I'm already seeing that it will be a difficult journey that will require a lot of effort. But I know that in the end, it will be worth it.

Romans 12:2 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.