How I Found My Strength

Over the last five years, a few people I’ve known since I was little have told me that they’ve always seen inner strength in me. I thought they were crazy. Me? The super-sensitive, emotional girl who cried over everything? Then life threw a curveball that showed me just how strong I am.

I apologise in advance, I will not go into detail about what the curveball was. On the 4th of June, my life as I knew it, came crashing down. What followed were two excruciating months of crying at work, crying on the phone, and crying to my friends in person (have I mentioned that I cry a lot?). I actually kept count. Over two months, working twice a week, I managed five shifts without bursting into tears. Every one of those five nights felt like a victory. But even with all that crying, I noticed something different in myself that I hadn’t seen before. I saw strength. While I was living out my worst nightmare, as I described to some people, not once did I lose hope for the future. Not once did I think that self-harm or drinking myself into oblivion would solve my problems and take the pain away. Whenever those ideas crept into my mind, I just had one thought - I love myself too much to cause harm to my own body. Not once did I think my life is over, just because one part of it came crashing down. I knew for a fact that life would get better. While it still hurts and the wounds will take a while to heal, I want to thank the people who told me I was strong. It helped me see and believe that I really am.

To those of you who have seen my social media posts over the last two months - this is a good reminder that you only see someone’s highlights. But at the same time, those highlights were conscious decisions to remain surrounded by people, to lean into my support instead of isolating myself and throwing a pity party. If you are going through a challenge, heartbreak, or feel lost - lean into people who love you. As someone told me at the very beginning of this mess, the worst thing I could do was go through it alone.

If you are a Christian, I recommend praying to God for a word for the season. My word comes from Isaiah 43:19: “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” I firmly believe that God has begun doing something new in my life, and I am excited to see what it is.