Picture this: It's 4am on a Sunday morning. Heavy raindrops beat against the window and wake you up. You suddenly remember some silly thing you were mad about before bed. Your heart rate increases, your breathing quickens. Suddenly your mind is spinning, overanalysing every word that was said or left unsaid. Thoughts keep racing through your head faster and faster, your breathing syncs up with the pace of your thoughts. Having read so much about self-awareness and noticing your bodily reactions to emotions, you take a deep breath. "Am I really this mad about some stupid texts? This makes no sense" you tell yourself. And suddenly, the floodgates of traumatic memories open up and you remember who you're really angry at.
That was my Sunday morning last week. I stayed up until 7am somehow allowing my brain to push every memory of abuse to the forefront of my mind. Around 6am I reached out to a trusted friend and asked if we could talk later that day. One thing I've learned about difficult times is that they're that much harder when you try to do it alone.
I've been very discreet on my blog about what I truly went through, but let me say this - I do not use the words trauma and abuse lightly. I wish I didn't have to use them at all when talking about myself. However, they are now part of my story, and it's that pain that shaped me.
When I was talking to my friend, expressing how sick I was of feeling damaged, she said she's sorry that I've become this person (paraphrasing to the best of my memory). And it clicked for me - I'm not sorry. Those were some horrific experiences that made me stronger, more compassionate toward myself and others, more self-aware. Heck, I am so proud of the woman I am today! And as I told my friend, I just wish it hadn't taken those experiences for me to become this version of myself.
What seemed to be the most challenging season of my life last year ended up being the greatest blessing. I could not see it at the time and it seemed like senseless hurt, but God has revealed so much to me since. While I still struggle with flashbacks of trauma, I thank God for what I've learned over that season. I've learned to lean on the people who love me, to listen to their advice, and to trust God that this will all make sense in the end.
I'm sure you've heard this before, but I needed to hear it again from my friend - "Nothing changes if nothing changes". If you know what your triggers are - make the change you need to make. Set boundaries where they need to be set. I'm excited to see how the changes I'm making in my personal life will bring new joy. Surrender your pain to God and let Him use it to shape you.
If you're going through a challenging time wondering what the point of it all is, I hope you find some hope in this. It might be awful, excruciating, senseless - but it also might be the pain that shapes us. It will take some time to heal and to get to a place where you start seeing what God was doing in the process, but I am convinced that you will come out stronger.
But now, Lord, You are our Father;
We are the clay, and You our potter,
And all of us are the work of Your hand.
Isaiah 64:8
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